One of the Wetherspoon’s pubs I have spent time in is a long and narrow boozer opposite Tooting Broadway tube station named J.J. Moon’s. I haven’t been in there since one time, while I was waiting for my friends, a drunken lady in her 50s came over to touch me on my face and tell me, apropos of nothing, that her son was apparently a helicopter pilot. I was sceptical and made a hasty exit as soon as possible.

Tim Martin – Wetherspoon’s founder

I tend to assume that Wetherspoon’s pubs are named with some kind of local significance and don’t really investigate their meanings very much. That was until I was on the complete opposite side of London on a bus going through Wembley when I happened to catch sight of a JDW pub also named ‘J.J. Moon’s’. ‘That’s strange’ I thought. ‘I’m sure there’s a J.J. Moon’s in Tooting as well. Who is J.J. Moon?’. And so began some amateur sleuthing with an unexpected outcome…

The ‘JD’ of JD Wetherspoon

Some might be aware that JD Wetherspoon is not named after a person called JD Wetherspoon. The ‘JD’ is from “Boss” JD Hogg in The Dukes of Hazzard (right). Mr Wetherspoon was a teacher who told the company’s multi-millionaire founder, Tim Martin, that he would never amount to anything.

Naturally, the first place I looked for more information was the Wetherspoon’s website. This is where I was in for my first shock. There is not one, not two, but FIVE Wetherspoon’s pubs named ‘J.J. Moon’s', located with no particular rhyme or reason in Tooting, Wembley, Ruislip Manor, Hornchurch and Kingsbury (mapped below).

Pubs with ‘local history’ sounding names have a ‘pub history section on the website that tells you more about the significance of the title. So for Charing Cross Road’s high-ceilinged watering hole The Montagu Pyke it says:

The main part of this Wetherspoon pub – fronting on to Charing Cross Road – was built in 1911 by Montagu Pyke, as his 16th, and last, cinema.

Fascinating. For Wimbledon’s double-entry, double-bar, double-loo pub The Wibbas Down Inn it says:

This Wetherspoon pub takes its name from an early spelling of the name Wimbledon. It was also recorded as ‘Wibbandune’, which is supposed to have been the scene of a battle, in AD568, between Ceawlin, King of Wessex, and Ethelbert, King of Kent, in which Ethelbert was defeated.

So now you know. And for my university’s local Spoon’s in Sheffield, The Swim Inn, it says:

The pub occupies part of the former Glossop Road Baths. Built in the early 19th century, the privately owned baths were later taken over by the council and extended.

So on, so forth. However, the five J.J. Moon’s pubs do not have these for some reason. To find the answer to the question ‘Who is J.J. Moon?’ I needed to dig deeper.

I quickly phoned Wetherspoon’s customer services with my interesting question.
“That’s an interesting question” said the customer services advisor, Jodie. “I don’t have the answer here but I can find out and get back to you by email”.
Minutes later I had the answer to the question in my inbox…

“J.J. Moon” is the name of a fictional surf star created by Surfer Magazine during the 1960s. J.J. would often be pictured riding a huge wave in Hawaii or riding the nose at Malibu.

I can confirm that this name was chosen by Tim Martin himself.

So there you have it. J.J. Moon is not a local hero in Tooting or a philanthropist from Hornchurch or even a small-time poet from Ruislip Manor.
He’s not even from Britain.
Heck, he’s not even a real person.

Or isn’t he..? Even more sleuthing (Googling) into the history of J.J. Moon found an article from the Orange County Register entitled ‘Remembering the legend that never was‘ which says that J.J. Moon WAS a real man.

J.J. Moon started life in the 1960s as a hoax pulled by Surfer Magazine (which I’m guessing is a magazine for surfboarders rather than a publication pre-empting the invention of the world wide web), who used photos of amateur surfer Ned Eckert in the magazine claiming he was one of the world’s best boarders.

Ned Eckert – The ‘real’ J.J. Moon

The idea was hatched that it would be interesting to see if SURFER magazine could actually create a surf star out of an unknown, and truthfully not very good, surfer.
…
Then the magazine started using his name for every great unidentified picture it printed. The story was that Moon had 11 toes and was the only surfer on Earth who was capable of “hanging eleven.
…
Over the course of about a year or so J.J. Moon was featured in all kinds of press, a couple documentaries and was a “plays himself” character in a play about surfing. He was nominated for the SURFER POLL and actually got enough votes to make it into the top 20 in the world.
Corky Carroll – Orange County Register

There was even a two-page exposé in a 1966 edition of LIFE Magazine. It’s a remarkable, almost Catfish-like story of a fictionalised person becoming legend with a life of its own, and way more interesting than the fusty Victorian London politician that I imagined J.J. Moon would turn out to be.

The truth really is stranger than fiction.

So, where was I? Oh yes. J.J. Moon’s in Tooting…Yeah, it’s rubbish.

Review: A less than amazing pub with a more than amazing name.
3/10

Fairytale romance is the theme of this Rowntrees ad. It begins with an ordinary chap emerging from a corner shop with a pack of Fruit Pastilles only to be confronted by a gang on his way out.

Not a gang of feral youths with trackies and knives. No, a gang of medieval court entertainers with troubadours and knaves.

At the exact moment he puts a sweet into his trap, a goofy court herald informs us that a gentleman who can place a Fruit Pastille in his mouth without chewing on it will win a date with a fair princess. Sweets for a sweet. Sugar for a honey. It’s Hans Christian Anderson with gelatine substitutes. It’s clear that love is on the cards when their doughy-eyed grins meet (although the strangely similar-looking couple should consider researching their family histories first).

There are a few critical questions I have about this matchmaking technique. How long is the challenge meant to last? Does the bizarre street theatre group expect to stand around while the hero keeps a sweet on his tongue for the rest of time? Is he meant to prove himself a match by spitting a strawberry jelly into the gutter?

Realising that a date with an 11th century maiden is not worth falling into a paradox for, the suitor gives up and chews away. Hardly surprising given that most people purchase confectionery to eat it rather than just rest it in their gobs. If the Duchess is seeking a man who buys sweets but doesn’t actually consume them, she’ll probably be on the shelf for another 900-odd years. Maybe she should try going on Take Me Out or Sing Date. You just can’t have your cake and eat it, m’lady.

Review: If I paid for it, I can damn well chew it.
6/10

With flag-wavers set for a summer of Jubilee and Olympic revelry, some Brits will inevitably want to be as far away as possible from even a mere hint of bunting. However, global financial turmoil may have scuppered holiday plans. Like being in a distressingly long version of New Year’s Eve, you could end up either broke and stranded miles from home, or keeping up appearances while everyone arrives to party. It’s no wonder that this year’s campaign for Butlin’s is encouraging us to holiday at home.

In this latest TV ad, we see a young girl at the Bognor Regis resort bouncing around like Tigger in a Ladybird party frock. Her hops guide us from the upmarket seaview hotel on to golden Sussex sands and into a glistening swimming pool. Butlin’s isn’t just flogging an idyllic version of its holiday parks here. It’s dreamed up a utopian Britain where nobody queues for anything and the weather is Mediterranean. The ad execs must think viewers have never actually seen summer in the country we’re living in. A more sincere version would have mum and dad screaming at each other through a bathroom door while the kids play the popular game of “I-Spy (a way we can lose the security deposit)”. We’d see scenes of apologetic Redcoats closing the pool as “heavyweight jams” from a recent BangFace Weekender event are cleansed from the filters. Plus, it would royally piss it down over the Bognor skyline. Who needs Club Med?

Review: I was right about the weather.
6/10

“I’ll name that tune in 46″

Next time you’re out shopping, listen carefully to the music playing in store. There’s a chance that what you may be hearing is not what it seems.
A few years back, I was in WH Smith and suddenly found myself wondering what had happened to Jamelia’s voice on the version of ‘Thank You’ that was playing. Then I noticed that the backing track was all wrong too. It was the auditory equivalent of looking in a fairground mirror.
I gradually discovered that similar rip-offs of chart hits were also being played in B&Q, Peacocks and JJB Sports. What was going on?

The Manic Street Preachers are on tour

Well, it’s all down to a very sneaky way of cost-cutting for cheapo retailers. If you’re a shop or a café or pretty much any public place the sound of silence can be a bit grim for your customers, which is why some places have in-store radio (like the wonderfully uplifting ASDA FM Live).
Others may choose to play normal FM radio, but that option runs the risk of your customers hearing competitors’ deals advertised in your shop.
Third option is to just play CDs over a sound system.
The problem with all these options, including just playing CDs, is that shops have to pay a licence fee to PPL (Phonographic Performance Limited) in order to play music on the premises as it counts as a ‘public performance’. PPL collects the dosh and pays it to the performers of the songs as royalties.

The cost of paying the PPL licence for a chain of big stores can reach into the hundreds of thousands, which is where ‘poundshop pop’ is designed to come to the rescue. The companies that make these ‘sound-alike’ pop songs use unsigned singers and musicians, meaning that the tracks are exempt from receiving PPL money.

Copies are hard get right.

This means that the likes of Millets and Allied Carpets need only to buy the fake songs from the company that made them without worrying about a PPL licence.

In an ideal world, nobody would notice whether they were hearing Soundgarden or their sound-alikes. However, making a song sound identical to its original without the budgets of a major label is where the whole thing falls down.
As if the experience of being bombarded with oversized fashions in Matalan is not unpleasant enough, customers must also face renditions of hit pop songs that sound like they came from ‘Phoning It In Week’ on The X Factor.

Now That’s What I Call Musak – 25 poundshop pop monstrosities

These knock-off pop hits have now found another space to annoy – in the endless library of Spotify. A search for almost any popular piece of music ever made will bring up a small choice of strange results from ‘artists’ with names like ‘Studio Allstars’, ‘Future Hitmakers’ and ‘Tribute Mega Stars’.

This is one example where imitation is most certainly not the sincerest form of flattery. If the composers and performers of the original tracks heard some of the rushed cover versions being pissed out by Studio Allstars, they’d probably think a Glee special ‘wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all’.

You can’t beat The Original

I dread to think what depths they’ve had to barrel-scrape to find the musicians who make these songs. I imagine an alarming recording studio set-up where singers desperate to climb the ladder are made to churn out covers of Chas & Dave’s ‘Rabbit’, that will be heard by, at the most, half a dozen people in the Lisburn branch of JJB Sports.

From the ‘drunken karaoke singer called up between vomits’ version of David Guetta’s ‘Titanium’, to the wholly redundant cover of ‘Bed Intruder Song’ (a song that isn’t even a real song) you’ll find a disturbing compilation CD’s worth of horror in my specially created Spotify playlist below.

Hopefully this compilation demonstrates the 5 common failures of poundshop pop:

1. Doing covers of songs that are so obscure, you have to wonder how there could be any demand for a sound-alike version
2. Same as above but for songs that are just terrible
3. Remaking songs that have some unique instrumental technique or vocal flair that cannot be replicated by a cheap singer and a Casio VL-1.
4. Failure to replicate the basic tempo, melody or even lyrical content of the original
5. Rapping

It’s enough to make you never want to step foot in a shop ever again.

Review: Stop them. I think I’ve heard that one before.
1/10

While supping on a smoothie and idly reading the childish scribblings on the side of the bottle (including ‘please keep me chilled’ and ‘shake it up baby’), I noticed that the product label has an unusual proposition.

‘Pop into Fruit Towers’. Now, lots of food labels have phrases like ‘we’d love to hear from you’ or ‘send us your suggestions’ but I tend to assume that most correspondence from the public gets filed under ‘recycling’. This is the first time I’ve seen an open invitation to a company’s HQ.

Surely Innocent don’t *really* want me to just ‘pop in’.

So last week, I went to find out.

Bringing a friend with me as both a moral support and awkwardness buffer (the Pippin to my Auntie Mabel), we ventured to the offices in North Kensington to see just how open this invitation really is. Fruit Towers is a modern five-storey building on Ladbroke Grove. It doesn’t give off the impression that it might be home to a multi-million pound drinks empire.

Entering the building’s reception, there was the buzz of recently completed lunch breaks as staff headed upstairs from the ground floor dining area.
“Hello?” said the lady on the front desk while prodding at an Innocent Veg Pot.
“Hello. Erm…the bottle said we can pop in to Fruit Towers” I began. “So…err…here we are”.

At this point, I was expecting to be laughed out the building. I envisaged a burly security man hoisting me out by the collar and saying ‘We don’t actually mean it, you fool. What kind of place do you think this is? We’re busy people’.
Instead, our greeter, who introduced herself as Janel, simply grinned and said “Aaaah, you’re here for the tour. Give me a sec and I’ll get someone to show you around. Jot your name down on a tag”.

I’m glad Janel knew why I was there, because I didn’t. I think it would have been a bit tense if there was nothing other than a ‘hello’ to be gained from taking up their invitation.

“Help yourself to some smoothies” she said. By the entrance are two fridges containing smoothies and juices (I helped myself to a Strawberry and Banana smoothie).

Janel was approaching all who passed by to see if they were free for a tour. Before long we were introduced to a cheery German bloke named Bastian who showed us around.

Janel (hidden behind monitor) and Bastian

There was a large open-plan kitchen/dining/table tennis playing area.

A wall of baby photos.

A screen that was linked to supply chain data showing how much fruit and veg the company has provided to Brits throughout the day so far.

And the kitchen where new products and recipes are tested as well as taste-tests of competitor’s beverages.

The office is remarkably ‘people-centric’. Even boring things like profit maximisation strategies is softened down to a board of sticky notes where each individual staff member shows how they are helping to lower costs/increase revenue (Lots of practical commercial strategies, plus one person who was ‘saving water by doing poos at home’).

This surprisingly in-depth tour also included a journey through the company’s history via a photographic timeline on the wall of the stairwell.

I went from knowing next to nothing about Innocent to virtually making it my specialist subject for Mastermind.

I was beginning to wonder if, with all the table tennis and free tours going on, people did any work. But I managed to see a full floor of people busily getting on with the nuts and bolts of keeping the company running. Even Bastian, who had kindly given up 15 minutes of his afternoon, had to get back to the main part of his day job – overseeing the supply chain (he elaborated on the challenges of balancing the stock level of Indian mangos).

Before leaving, we got some more smoothies for the road and we spotted their visitors wish list of esteemed names they’d like to meet (plus Peter Andre).

So deciding on a whim to accept an invitation from the side of a drink bottle led to quite a pleasant trip behind the scenes of one of the UK’s biggest brands. My doubtful cynicism towards marketing ‘niceness’ was probably a bit unfair.

It’s an unlikely tourist destination, but is a very personable way of showing off a business and I for one would like to see if any other big companies do the same.
Wondering just what kind of human beings are behind the existence of WKD has been keeping me up at night for far too long.

Review: Unexpectedly inviting.
7/10

Tangoed girls throwing up in the doorway of Lloyds TSB. People driving out to the 24 hour supermarket not realising it’s closed (excludes Scotland). You’ve Been Framed! What do these three seemingly unrelated things have in common? Yes, that’s right – They’re all guaranteed sources of amusement on Saturday nights in the UK.

You’ve Been Framed is one of those programmes that wins points for having a name that you can sing in time with the theme tune (See also: Blind Date, Channel 4 News and, perhaps most impressively, Who Wants to be a Millionaire?).

However, if you watch it on mute, the whole thing does sometimes just seem tragic and annoying (BTW, I can heartily recommend watching every TV programme on mute at least once: Hollyoaks looks like Crimewatch reconstructions cut-and-spliced into a CBBC sketch comedy). This isn’t because of people getting hurt on camera, but because it’s a document of human failure, which is sometimes very difficult for us to watch.

Speaking of human failure, it's brief YBF host Jonathan Wilkes

Some may believe that laughing at others misfortunes is cruel, but this ignores the fundamental facts. These clips were sent in for the exact purpose that we might laugh at them. But, most importantly, nobody died. Therein lies the programme’s unique warmth. It’s quite literally like watching a young child falling over and clapping and smiling so they don’t cry. Hearing laughter means that you made it – you’re fine. It takes a true survivor to find the silver lining in a cloud.

That said, while YBF is admittedly good clean fun, I can’t help but feel that the reward for video submissions is making a basic mockery of the people who have gone to the effort of recording their weddings, nativity plays, DIY endeavours, etc.
As the below chart shows, You’ve Been Framed has continued to value camcorder calamities at £250 for the last 22 years. But in real terms, a clip of a parent dropping their child’s birthday cake in front of shocked relatives should be worth more in 2012 than it was in 1990. At least 86% more, in fact.

With commodities and transport costs rising faster than inflation, we as a country should consider it a tragedy that people aren’t getting as much as they should for filming footage of failed attempts at traversing brooks and streams. And with so many clips coming from the US now, there’s a possibility that the outsourcing of video disasters could be holding the value artificially low.

Hang on, why the hell are we protesting about the bankers when this is going on? OCCUPY ITV!

Review: A truly life-affirming British institution.
8/10

You’ve Been Framed! official website
Very funny You’ve Been Framed parody account on Twitter.

It started with the Nandos ‘do we look like your servants? Get off your arse and order your own food’ ethos, which, while now accepted by many, still confounds citizens of smaller UK settlements lucky enough to be blessed by the Nando’s national rollout (‘I hear they’re opening one of these “Nandosses” on the High Street, Pam. Eileen took her kids to one when she went up to Taunton last month – said they butchered the chickens IN FRONT OF HER VERY EYES! I know!’).

Gradually, we’ve reached a stage where cafes and restaurants are asking us baffling questions like ”Shall I upgrade you to Phoenix Style mayo?” or “Would you like that in a brocco or a tapalé? A brocco is just 30p more” or “How would you like your cabbage – murdered or raped?”.

Is everything okay with your babalino, sir? Would you like more melgrano?

You feel so embarrassed as a first-timer having to say you don’t understand what your ‘barista’ or ‘passador’ is asking, and they must feel like complete jeb ends having to ask fellow English speakers such ridiculous questions hundreds of times a day. It’s especially embarrassing when you’re in the company of someone who makes a weekly pilgrimage to get their hit of  murdered cabbage and can’t understand why you find such a simple task of selecting how you want your food so difficult.

Subway, ostensibly just a shop selling sandwiches, is somewhere on this spectrum of food outlets that require you to pass a GNVQ (or level-3 diploma equivalent) to actually get lunch. When you’re a regular Subway goer, it feels normal. You forget what it was like to be a Subway virgin. Until, in a state of hunger, you find yourself stood behind a Subway novice…

Stuck in the queue behind a Subway first-timer

I’m nearly at the front of the queue. I’m so close to getting my lunch on. This geezer in front looks like he could be a first-timer though.

Customer: Hi mate, can I have a ham sandwich please?

Oh here we go!

Sandwich Artist: What bread?

Customer: Pardon?

Sandwich Artist: What bread would you like?

Customer: Err…in a roll please.

Sandwich Artist: [Pointing out the tray of perpetually fresh breads] Choose which type of ‘roll’, sir.

Customer: [looks at selection] What’s ‘Italian’?

Sandwich Artist: Just white.

Customer: Hmm…and what’s ‘Hearty Italian’?

Sandwich Artist: White with…erm…heartiness.

Customer: Okay. I’ll just have brown actually.

Sandwich Artist: Wheat?

Customer: Well, yeah. It’s bread.

Sandwich Artist: No, ‘Wheat’ is brown, ‘Italian’ is white. You want ‘Wheat’, yes?

Customer: Sure.

Sandwich Artist: Footlong or six-inch?

Customer: What do you mean?

Sandwich Artist: Do you want full size bread or half size?

Customer:…

Sandwich Artist: [demonstrates with hands on loaf]

Customer: Oh right. Half size will be fine.

Sandwich Artist: With ham?

Customer: Yes please. Can I have some tomato as well?

Sandwich Artist: Yes, I’ll get to that bit in a second.

Customer: Okay. Can I have the turkey as well actually?

Sandwich Artist: Yeah, that’s fine. It’s the same price as ham.

RIP the £1.99 Sub of the Day deal

Customer: Oh is it? Well can I have beef instead of turkey?

Sandwich Artist: Double meat costs 50p more.

Customer: Oh right. Well, I won’t have the beef then.

Sandwich Artist: Do you want ham and turkey instead?

Customer: You said it was 50p more.

Sandwich Artist: No, that’s ham and beef. Ham and turkey is the same price.

Customer: Oh I see. I’ll stick to just the ham if it’s all the same.

Sandwich Artist: Cheese and toasted?

Customer: Does it cost more?

Sandwich Artist: No

Customer: Yes please.

Sandwich Artist: [places ingredients on sandwich and places in the toaster. Removes following 'ping'] Which salad for you?

Customer: Can I have any of it?

Sandwich Artist: Yes sir.

Customer: Okay. Can I have tomatoes?

Sandwich Artist: [places tomatoes on sandwich]

Customer:…and salad [pointing at lettuce]

Sandwich Artist: [places lettuce on sandwich]

Customer: Sorry, am I allowed to have more salad?

Sandwich Artist: Yes, you take your pick from the salad.

Customer: No, I mean can I have more salad please?

Sandwich Artist: [places more lettuce on sandwich]

Customer: Thanks. And can I have…cucumber…sweetcorn…peppers…

Sandwich Artist: [places cucumber, sweetcorn and peppers on sandwich]

Customers: Is that chillies?

Sandwich Artist: Jalapeños, yes.

Customer: Okay. None of those actually. Have you got any red peppers?

Sandwich Artist: No.

Customer: Right. That should be fine mate.

Sandwich Artist: Any sauce?

A completely unrelated Subway.

Customer: What have you got.

Sandwich Artist: Mayo? Barbecue? Honey Mustard? Sweet Onion?…

Customer: Have you got any sweet chilli?

Sandwich Artist: No sweet chilli, no.

Customer: Okay. Have you got any brown sauce?

Sandwich Artist: Yes.

Customer: Hmm, interesting…. Can I have…mmm…ketchup?

Sandwich Artist: Ketchup?

Customer: Yes please.

Sandwich Artist: [puts ketchup on sandwich and wraps up] Any cookie, crisps or drinks for you?

Customer: Can I have a coke please?

It's a footlong - but I wouldn't use it as a rule.

Sandwich Artist: [hands Customer a cup] Here you go.

Customer: Where’s the drink?

Sandwich Artist : Drinks machine is over there. You help yourself.

Customer: Oh right. Can I have a straw?

Sandwich Artist: Straws are over there too.

Customer: Okay. Do you have a lid for this cup mate?

Sandwich Artist: Lids are next to the straws.

Customer: Great.

Sandwich Artist: That’s £3.99 altogether.

Customer: Crikey! I can get a Sainsbury’s Meal Deal for that. Can I just leave it please, mate? Ta-ra now.

Review: Simple dining has never been so complicated.
6/10

Let me stop you there…”If you choose to move on [from breastmilk]…?”
‘If’?
‘IF‘?!
What the hell, Aptamil! You DISGUST me.

Review: Only a disturbed mother could love it.
2/10

Review: Great idea. Disappointingly bland taste.
1/10

The abuse of the English language is something that can really drive people insane. Sloppy language use has always been around, but the evidence has truly unravelled in these times of rapid communication. While an errant apostrophe can seriously knock a confident writer of his or her feet, we mustn’t forget that we’re all human. All that said, do you want to know something that will genuinely blow your socks off? Something that has surely gone over your head? In fact, I reckon it has definitely gone over your head.
I have literally been playing with your brain in the last paragraph…

I literally couldn't give a shit.

You see, while my ‘misuse’ of ‘literally’ may have set off klaxons in the language processing area of your head, the exact same type of ‘misuse’ of other words probably crept past your alarm system unnoticed.

You might say that I can’t have literally been playing with your brain unless I performed some kind of invasive surgery (which is not my bag, let me tell you). But the first paragraph is riddled with the same kind of logic.
Has language abuse ever really driven someone insane? Has it truly unravelled in recent times? Can an apostrophe seriously knock a writer off their feet? Are you socks genuinely still on? Surely they are. They definitely are.

"I am GENUINELY speechless. But not *literally* speechless. That would be silly."

The thing about the word ‘literally’ is that it has been cruelly victimised as the trickster who sets successful people ‘on fire’,  makes talent show contestants ‘nail’ songs to imaginary surfaces and causes people who laugh too much to ‘die’. ‘Literally’ is sent to think about what it has done on the English language’s naughty step alongside txt-speak and filler words like ‘like’, like.
Meanwhile words like ‘seriously’, ‘really’ and even the seemingly angelic ‘definitely’ continue to enact chaos almost wherever they go despite having virtually the same natural meaning.

It’s not just my rambling opinion I’ve based this on. A linguist, Michael Israel, has written an entire academic paper (PDF) on the subject showing that ‘literally’ is in the process of the same change that similar words went through before it.

While the likes of ‘genuinely’ have escaped all the tellings-off, little old ‘literally’ is the only word that got caught. It is not allowed to be used for emphasis like its friends are free to do. It is only allowed to be used to tell the truth and nothing but the truth.

Poor ‘literally’.
You’ve been stitched up good and proper by those other words.

Wouldn't want to meet this down a dark alley, would you?

Talk proper.

Hard as some people may find it, words not only can, but regularly do have more than one meaning. I don’t even know anymore if ‘wicked’ still means ‘bad’, or if ‘bad’ still means ‘good’, or if ‘good’ means…come to think of it, that’s a pretty reliable one, but you get my point.

People who believe that there is some time in which the English language was at its best and that we should try to keep language like it was then are being irrational. I thought like those people once too, but now I’ve seen the error of my ways. If we don’t allow change, then we just end up getting more and more irate at the instances where the language wants to go where it feels and we’re not letting it.
It seems ridiculous when you stop and think that English language users get so uppity about how to correctly use ‘literally’ but can’t quite be bothered to come to a decision on how to spell yoghurt/yogurt/yoghourt.

I think it’s time that we perhaps started to think about letting ‘literally’ go and be free with its emphasis-marking brethren. After all, aren’t there bigger fish to fry? Especially while there are people who use the word ‘barter’ where they mean ‘haggle’…

Review: I could literally murder anyone who picks on that poor word.
8/10